Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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