you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
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