finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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