he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
