I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
