I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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