6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
