We won't sleep together?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
