also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
