I wish I could punch you in the face.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
