I think i peed on brittanys purse
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
