I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
