Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
