I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
