...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
