I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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