I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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