he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
