She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
