he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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