How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
