where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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