I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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