I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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