her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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