I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
