...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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