He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
