I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
