Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
