The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
