Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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