I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
