yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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