Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
someone owes me an orgasm
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
