Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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