I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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