My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
