I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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