I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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