Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wear drunk well.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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