At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
