The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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