So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
