Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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