I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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