Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
