first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
