I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
