I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
