Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
