someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
